Eli don’t have no cat and he ain’t never had no cat. “WHAT THE FUCK” IS RIGHT. Jake and Dave were all gotohellin’ this bro and he ain’t do nothin’ but raise up and punch a bitch. (They was a bitch in the room, but Eli ain’t actually punch her. He weak.)
Barbara don’t have no cat now or nothin’, but she’s all into ‘em and had one as a child that is, to this day, the only friend she’s ever had. She tried several times to kill Jake and Dave because, let’s be honest, they’re evil.
Lauren Caltagirone has a CAT, dawg. And a VAGINA. Jake and Dave hid under the couch and meowed for like hours, and then Lauren was like, “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT,” and then it was cool.
Jake and Dave threw DOWN at Bridgetown this year, y’all. What a god damn blast, you heard? The guests came in all like, “WHAT THE FUCK?!” but Jake and Dave were all, “Woahhhhh, you’re sexy,” and they got real into it. REAL into it.
Jeff Wattenhofer be CRAZY, yo. He’s all, “SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND GIVE ME THE MONEY!” Jake and Dave are like, “What?” But it don’t matter, cuz Jeff already be out the door with they money.
Lizzy Cooperman be all UP in Dave’s world. She’s all, “Uhhhhhh come here kitty,” and Dr. Funk’s all “I’M INTO THAT OMG”. Girl knows wassup, though, you dig? Ain’t no thang.
Zach Sherwin has two names, son! Oh shit! He’s all, “I’m Zach Sherwin,” to people, and he’s like, “I’M MC MR NAPKINS YOU SEXY PIECE O’ SEX,” to cats. Jake and Dave wanted to bone down with this bro!
Susan Burke be all UP in some cats. She be like, “Here Kitty,” and they be like, “DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN.” She don’t tell no lie, neither. She female? Jake and Dave be STOKED.
Allen Strickland Williams wins the race, bitches. And when we say “race”, we mean “CATS”. Ain’t no skim milk up in his bowl, you dig? He lays out the way the pussy be like woah. SLAM DUNK.
